39 starting from zero again

A note was discovered on his computer
by his parents,
detailing exactly
how and when
he planned
to take his own life.
He was 28,
autistic,
diagnosed with depression.
The Department ordered him
to attend a work capability assessment.
He refused.
The Department decided
to terminate his benefits,
his only source of income.
Six years ago
he told his social workers
he did not wish to have contact
with his family.
His parents had battled to see him since
but were forbidden from knowing
where he lived.
He had previously gone
voluntarily
to the acute inpatient mental health unit
in the town where he lived
after being told about the assessment.
He was reluctant to ask for help again.
‘If I am accepted,
I will have to stay up to 28 days
or six months
in a boring and cramped environment
surrounded
by very damaged people. After which
it will be determined
that I no longer need treatment
and will be allowed to leave.
I will likely be homeless,
starting from zero again,
and the vicious cycle
will begin anew.’
Social services closed his case
after he failed to respond to letters.
The note revealed
he made three separate attempts
to hang himself
between 2016 and 2018.
He wrote:
‘Each time I failed with panic.’
He wrote:
‘I cannot be bothered to fight this
any more. I am
out of energy. I only exist
to do what I want to do.
Dealing with paperwork,
making phone calls, feeling
anxious
every day
about whether I am going to be homeless
are things I do not want to do.’
His body was discovered
in an advanced state of decomposition
nine months later
when housing association officials
called to evict.

[Milton Keynes Citizen, 16/09/2019, Autistic Milton Keynes man left suicide note on computer explaining tragic reasons he took his own life; Milton Keynes Citizen, 02/12/2020, ‘Our son’s tragic loss of life could have been avoided’, say parents of autistic Milton Keynes man whose death went unnoticed for nine months]